Adult Children of Alcoholics--Taking Leaps of Faith

It's probably about 4:45 a.m.

The air is thick with dew and the sounds of Red Cardinals is clear and loud.

As if God has hit the pause button, so much of the outer world seems to be asleep--while so many of the things I have learned to allow myself to love and appreciate are alive, well and communicating.

The final days of crack of dawn coffee breaks with me and my front porch, and the tiny oasis of bliss and peace I have miraculously managed to carve out for myself in this home--are here.

In less than a week my children, my pets, my things and I will be gone from here--this place--which although I am certain appears insignificant to most passerby's; my sanctuary, my classroom, my extension of me and I will have parted ways.

I read a quote once that said, "When we take a leap of faith, the bridge appears."

This house was that bridge--for me--my children--and our lives when everything we once knew--slipped through our hands like fine grains of sand.

Sadly however, it was a shove that caused me to take that plunge, and not assured belief.

My leap was a mix of rock bottom desperation, and a bit of a drowning victims hope, rather than, that little thing called 'faith'.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, believing in Self was as simple as climbing Mt. Everest in a pair of ten dollar flip flops, and a tight fitting bikini.

Me--alone--on my own--responsible for a home--all its expenses--its maintenance--its landscaping?

Me--alone--on my own--responsible for my three small children--their care--their physical safety--their emotional needs--their intellectual growth--their private school tuitions--their shoes--their clothes--their play dates--their meals--their laundry--their fears--their tears--their happiness?

Sometimes, when we are so codependent, and enraptured with denial--we prefer to stay stuck--than dare strive to believe in something more--or in something great!

Sometimes when we are so consumed with seeking ego gratification through the act of taking care of others--we check out of our own lives--assume the fetal position and deny the possibility that in all of our martyrdom found in seeking out those who 'need' us...we actually have a choice; free will and possess within us the ability to live exceptional life experiences.

As the quiet and blessed moments in this home come to an end, I am filled with humility, gratefulness and perhaps most of all--understanding.

The quiet peace these four walls has offered me over the years has allowed me the safety to contemplate SELF. And in my quiet moments of contemplation I have learned many, many things I would not have been able to had I been attached to other people's dramas.

More than ever I understand that my life never needed to become as chaotic as it once was. My children never needed to witness the innumerable arguments between their parents, nor did they need to witness or experience their mother's physical demise.

It was 'do or die' that initiated my desire to leave my failing, dysfunctional marriage--although I understand now--through the jagged peephole of self awareness, that a calm, cool, decisive choice to end my marriage was always behind door number two.

But when you suffer from the dis-ease of codependent thinking--nothing about any decision we make, seems calm, or cool, or collected. Every decision, no matter how large or how small causes--a total dis-ease within the body and the soul.

As I end one chapter of my life, once again I am taking a plunge--only this time I am leaping into the tremendous, outstretched and infinite arms of faith.

This time around I am Self Assured. Time spent alone has taught me to rely and believe in Self.

Learning to walk alone--has taught me to call wherever my heart is--home. And as I walk through the threshold of the new life I have designed, I do so giggling, as my entire being is tickled by a deep sense of knowing.

I know everything is going to work out alright--because I am--all right.

I get it now. Unaware--we as human beings are habitual thinkers--and we do and attract what we know.

I now understand that what the heart feels--it emits--and thus attracts. It is a universal law true for a blade of grass as much as it is a human life experience.

Embracing aloneness has lead me to oneness--and to the reality that what I think about--I bring about.

Therefore--in spite of my ACoA past, I claim my right to ponder lovely things, and in so doing--I attract only more lovely things.

No longer is my mind a slave to the unchallenged patterns of the past.

Finally--I can hear--ME!

Finally--I can feel--ME!

Finally--I can just--BE!

To the bridge I have learned to walk upon; to my home--Namaste--and thank you for all that you have taught me about Self, and for helping me appreciate the oneness that comes from embracing--aloneness.

You--my home--my gardens--my birds--my firefly's--my blades of grass--my trees--my flower beds--you are the wind beneath my wings...

I love you 916.