Why Do Adult Children of Alcoholics Cheat on Their Spouses?

A question that I am sometimes asked is, "As an adult child of an alcoholic, why am I drawn to cheat on my spouse?" My experience working with ACoA's as well as with those adults from dysfunctional homes, has lead me to identify unique possibilities that may address the heart of this disheartening matter.

When you are raised in a home that is fueled by 'non-assertive' communication, you are taught to deny your Self. You are not taught to ask for what you need, or what you want. Instead you are taught to ignore your emotions, your internal needs, and to minimize your desires. Because your models for self love have failed to mirror back to you the importance of honoring Self, your programming is dysfunctional. As an adult you do not gravitate towards healthy relationships that honor you.

Most ACoA's marry their emotional and dysfunctional equal. Their partners are beings who equal the emotional set points of their childhood caretakers. Although their spouses may outwardly appear to be the exact opposite of their parents, quite often partners are emotional equivalents to the types of energy beings the ACoA lived with as a child.

To make matters even more complex, many ACoA's develop anxiety disorders because they have been conditioned to deny Self. This denying of Self, creates energy blocks within the body. This blocked energy manifests in the physical body in many forms, like headaches, dizziness, shakiness, insomnia, stomach upset, rashes, asthma, brain fog, forgetfulness, as well as addictions to distractions.

In my experience, ACoA's sometimes cheat as a means to escape the mental chatter, and generalized angst they feel within their being. Very often when an ACoA discovers they have married a partner that is alike one of their parents, the shock is so overwhelming they seek an outside romantic relationship, like one might reach for a Xanex. The extramarital affair acts like a distraction, and although works as a way to hide from anxiety temporarily, the long term consequences are far more devastating than the ACoA recognizes in the moment.

In a perfect world, all beings would marry healthy partners and of course--be healthy self actualized individuals before they ever got married in the first place. But in the world we live in, in which most beings today are asleep--and running their lives on auto-pilot--who are ridiculously unaware they are living their lives off of dysfunctional belief systems they learned in their childhood homes--all too often the first go round at marriage for ACoA's is not the healthiest.

ACoA's, like many adults from dysfunctional homes cheat for many reasons--but in my opinion--do so primarily because of their inability to honor Self--be honest--and to accept the fall out from the choice to be honest, and thus honor Self.

It is not an easy thing to confront ones own unhappiness within a marriage, and to verbalize such a knowing. It is heroic to--instead of manipulating another being into our experience to help us escape our personal woes, to confront our dead marriage head on. To honor Self is a noble endeavor indeed, especially when the material and superficial world we live in is filled with beings who would prefer to avoid and deny--then to confront and heal, and thus honor Self.

Namaste...