Adult Children of Alcoholics--What Button Are YOU Pushing Today?

Those of us who have been wounded by the long lasting emotional effects of alcoholism, whether the disruption in our mental programming was directly related to alcohol or not--are far too familiar with how toxic our bodies, minds, relationships, work situations, and so on can be.

We the children of the world who carry our scars on the inside--who are so often bewildered by how painful our lives have become--who have had our early chances of well being hacked by the dysfunctional and unaware thought processes of our caretakers--have a right to be happy NOW!

What this Adult Child has learned--has changed my life, and more each day I understand that life is not about the destination as much as it is about the journey.

Meaning--mountains were made to be climbed--whether they are physical or emotional.

At the present moment, my sixteen year old daughter is facing some real life challenges. As a result of our recent move she has had to change high schools and has entered Junior year in a new and unfamiliar school. Anyone who has ever endured the 'normal' awkwardness of high school can relate to what my child is going through.

Yesterday she came home from school and quite literally fell apart emotionally. Round and round went her thoughts from one negative idea to the next. As if I was watching her sink in an ocean of gobble and goo, I felt powerless to rescue her from what was happening inside of her own mind.

I encouraged my daughter to keep reaching--and to express how she felt. And as she ran off a laundry list of why she hated her new school--I held onto my self for dear life--as I could feel my maternal side wanting to jump in--and enable her sense of powerlessness--by rescuing her in someway.

As awakened as I believe I am, I missed something along the way with this child, and not until yesterday was I able to see how I have enabled this powerless mentality in my youngest daughter.

When she was five and wanted to try karate, I enrolled her, and within a few weeks she wanted to quit. I tried to get her to go, and to stay committed to the classes, but I believed that the emotional upset that occurred in our lives before each class just wasn't worth the stress--especially as I was a newly divorced single mom of three at the time.

A few years later she asked me to enroll her in softball--which I did. And just like with karate, within a few weeks she was throwing temper tantrums and begging me to let her quit, which I did.

When my daughter insisted she go to a high school in a neighboring town, rather than the one that was just a few short blocks from our home--I told her I could not commit to picking her up from school each day, and that she would need to take the bus. Although she did take the bus for a few weeks, eventually I gave in again, to her whining about how she could not stand to be around so many people on the bus, all standing so close to her--yadda yadda yadda---as New York buses resemble sardines in a sardine can. And once again--I jumped in and rescued her from a decision she had made earlier, even though I swore to her I wouldn't and that she would endure the consequences of her decisions.

During her summer as a Freshman in high school, she asked me to let her go to a Lead America Retreat, that was one week long and required her to dorm at a University in Manhattan. I leapt at the opportunity for her to go--because I believed it would be good for her. When I left her dorm room that afternoon at student drop off--she was a happy child, and anticipant of the weeks activities ahead. But that night, when it was time to go to bed, when she was alone in her room with two other girls she didn't know, and mommy was not in the next room next to her, all of my daughters anxieties surfaced once more.

When my daughter started her original high school, she absolutely hated it. For an entire year she complained that all the kids were 'stuck up' and that all she wanted to do was go to school, learn and come home. The summer before Sophomore year, she threw another temper tantrum, and complained that she just simply could not go back to that high school. It was then at that time that my fiancee and I began kicking up our plans to get married, and made plans for her to attend the high school she is in now in our new town.

As our wedding plans progressed, an amazing thing happened to my daughter. After being bullied by another Sophomore, she began sticking up for herself in incredible ways. Within a few weeks of confronting her bully, my daughter had gained much respect by a group of other girls, and made friends with them. Since that time, she has had a number of sleep overs-Sweet 16's, concerts, and even took a trip to Cancuun with one of her friends families.

I believed we had rounded a corner, and that my daughter had hurdled her social anxiety.

I wondered what would happen when my daughter and I moved and she would have to start all over again in a new school, since making such wonderful friendships, but I never expected the reaction she had yesterday.

As a specialist in the field of codependency, it is commonplace for me to take personal inventory and to ask my self what buttons I have pushed today. But today, I am being humbled from deep within, because I cannot run away from the fact that I have been pushing the 'enabling' button, on my youngest child for years--and never realized it.

My daughter must face this challenge, and I must face my own as well.

I can't rescue her by somehow making it possible for her to go to her old high school--because if I do--I encourage her to 'not hang in'--to 'not try new things'--to 'give up when the going get's tough'.

Today I am going to ask my daughter, "What buttons are you pushing today kiddo? Are you pushing the anxiety button--or are you pushing the acceptance button? Are you pushing the 'I can't do this button'--or are you pushing the 'I can at least try' button?"

Although this may seem like a small issue, it's not.

Low self esteem seeks the familiar--and as smart as I am--I failed to see--that in all of my daughters running--was a running away from being pushed outside of comfort zones--and was a running towards a very controllable box. Although stability is key in a child's life, and that roots in high school are important, and that moving and starting over is anxiety provoking--I must admit--that my parenting of her has added to this muck we are sifting through right now, and in many ways has hindered her emotional ability to go with the flow.

Before my daughter, lies a world full of wonder; a life I could never have given her on my own. Now that I am married, and my new husband and I have combined our lives, she has opportunities that none of our combined six children ever had.

And on this day--I am aware--that she as well as I have an opportunity to push a different button today.

May you embrace your free will and your ability to choose what buttons you push today as well.

Never give up, self reflecting, self analyzing and reaching for better thinking thoughts--as our thoughts lay the bricks that become the path we follow.

Namaste...